Em YU?

Syhhhhhhh... Diam.. Jangan cakap kuat2.. Nanti diorg dengar.. Marah pulak diorg tu.. Kita bisik-bisik je... Hahahaha...

Doktor: Sila duduk.. Ya, boleh saya bantu..
Pesakit: Terima kasih doktor. Saya datang nak mintak MC..
Doktor: Eh, engkau ni nak perli aku ke?
Pesakit: Perli apanya Doktor? Saya demam.. Jadi datang nak minta MC..
Doktor: Dah-dah.. Ko keluar sekarang.. Sebelum aku sepak kau kat sini.. Keluar!!!!

Pesakit: Nurse, apasal Doktor tu marah sangat?
Nurse: Apa yang En. cakap pada dia?
Pesakit: Xda la.. Saya cakap, saya demam.. Nak minta MC..
Nurse: hahahaha. patut la dia marah sangat.
Pesakit: Ishh.. Pelik la klinik ni.. Tadi dokotr marah, nurse pulak gelak..
Nurse: En.. Encik xtengok bola ke pagi tadi?
Pesakit: Apa kena sakit saya dengan bola?
Nurse: Encik.. kan MC menang.. Yang kalah "EM YU".. Doktor tu fan "EM YU"..
Pesakit: Patut la...

* Tak boleh panjang2.. Nanti den pulak yg kono sepak.. cabut!!!!

Bunuh Diri

seorang lelaki berwajah garang sedang menaiki motor Harleynya, ketika dlm perjlnan dia terlihat seorang gadis cantik bergaun panjang sedang berdiri di atas pagar jejambat.
Ia menghentikan motornya dan bertanya : "Apa yang sedang kamu lakukan?"
Gadis itu menjawab : "Saya ingin bunuh diri..."
Mengambil kesempatan ini si lelaki berkata: "Kalau begitu sebelum kamu melompat, berikan saya ciumanmu yang terakhir."
Si gadis pun menciumnya dibibir. Setelah ciuman berakhir, si lelaki dengan wajah berseri-seri berkata: "Mengapa kamu ingin bunuh diri? Ciumanmu begitu panas dan menggairahkan. Pasti banyak lelaki yg akan tergila-gila dengan ciumanmu ini."
Dengan sedih si gadis menjawab : "Saya ingin bunuh diri kerana ibubapa dan keluarga saya menentang saya berpakaian dan berdandan seperti WANITA....Auwww

Tak Mahu Menyusu

Saleem menaiki bas dan duduk di sebelah ibu muda yang cantik dan seksi. Kebetulan ibu muda itu baru mulai hendak menyusui bayinya. Tapi ketika si ibu muda hendak menyusui, si bayi menolaknya.

Si ibu muda berkata, "cepat sayang minum, nanti mama bagi dekat uncle di sebelah."

Sepuluh minit kemudian si bayi masih saja tidak mahu menyusu.

Si ibu muda memujuk lagi, "cepat sayang minum susu mama. Nanti mama bagi dekat uncle di sebelah. Mama bagi betul-betul ni."

Tiba-tiba Saleem berkata kepada si ibu muda, "saya nak bagitahu dekat puan, cepat sikit buat keputusan. Saya sepatutnya sudah turun di 4 perhentian sebelumnya."

Hair Cut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS

NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN

AND

FOR THE SAME REASON

Spesial

Hendak dijadikan satu cerita, ada seorang Orang Kaya Baru yang berasal dari di kampung. Beliau menjadi jutawan segera kerana tanah pusakanya telah di beli oleh kerajaan kerana hendak membina sebuah projek mega lebuhraya.

Sewaktu susah dahulu, dia teringin sangat hendak ke Kuala Lumpur. Setelah menjadi kaya, dia pun ke Kuala Lumpur bersama seorang body guard merangkap pembantu peribadi.

Di Kuala Lumpur, dia menginap di Hotel K.L International. Sampai sahaja di sana, dia terasa lapar. Diapun meminta body guardnya membelikan makanan.

O.K.B (Orang Kaya Baru ): Perut aku sudah lapar, tolong belikan sebungkus mee goreng spesial.
Mat : Mee goreng spesial tu macam mana Bos?
O.K.B : Mee goreng spesial tu ada dua biji telor!
Mat : Ooooo. baik Bos.

Pagi itu , si O.K.B inipun makan mee goreng spesial itu sehingga kenyang.
memanpanggil pembantunya lagi.

O.K.B : Mat! aku masih lapar ni, tolong belikan sebungkus nasi goreng spesial.
Mat : Nasi goreng spesial? yang ada dua biji telor tu Bos?
O.K.B : Wah, Sekarang kau sudah tahu aku punya taste ye?
Mat : Mesti lah Bos, bagi saya dalam masa 10 minit sahaja...

Lepas makan, si O.K.B itupun tertidur sehingga maghrib. Dia pun terbangun sebab air-cond di biliknya terlalu sejuk. Oleh kerana sudah tertidur sepanjang petang maka susahlah dia hendak tidur lagi. Dia berguling sana berguling sini, tidak juga boleh tidur. Oleh kerana tidak tahu hendak buat apa, dia pun memanggil body guard nya lagi

O.K.B : Mattt!
Mat : Ya.. Bos,
O.K.B : Mari sini sekejap...
Mat : Ada apa Boss?
O.K.B : Mat..(dengan nada berbisik) Kau pergi cari seorang awek untuk aku , hanya yang spesial tau.
Mat : (Sambil tergaru-garu kepala) ok Bos!

Si Mat ini manalah tahu dengan awek-awek yang boleh pakai. Tetapi, Bos punya pasal dia pun pergi cari juga. Sejam kemudian dia pun menghantar seorang awek ke dalam bilik Bosnya. Si Mat ini pun ditugaskan hanya standby di luar bilik sahaja, manalah tahu, tiba-tiba pencegah maksiat datang. Selepas lima minit, tiba-tiba terdengar suara yang menjerit kuat dari dalam bilik bosnya.

O.K.B : MAT!
Mat : Ada apa Bos?
O.K.B : Kenapa kau cari bapok untuk aku?.. aku kata awek!
Mat : La... tadi Bos kata tolong carikan seorang awek yang spesial. Bos juga kata, jika yang spesial itu mesti ada dua biji telor!
O.K.B : ..?

Biskut Punya Hal

Keindahan yang hakiki datangnya dari hati yang ikhlas bukan dari pandangan seseorang. Seorang wanita di lapangan terbang sedang menunggu waktu penerbangannya. Sambil menunggu dia makan biskut yang dibelinya sebelum itu dan membaca buku cerita. Sedang dia makan dia terperasan yang lelaki disebelahnya turut mengambil biskut dari bungkusan yang sama yang terletak disebelahnya.

Setiap keping biskut yang dia ambil lelaki itu turut mengambil sama. Didalam hati wanita itu menyumpah-nyumpah lelaki itu. Alangkah tidak malunya lelaki ini, sudah lah tidak minta dari aku, makan sama banyak dengan aku pula. Pencuri! rungut wanita itu dalam hati.

Dalam pada itu lelaki itu dengan muka yang tenang terus dengan perbuatannya. Hinggalah sampai ke biskut yang terakhir terdapat dalam bungkusan itu. Wanita itu menunggu reaksi dari lelaki itu. Sambil tersenyum lelaki itu mengambil biskut yang terakhir itu lalu dipatah dua lantas memberikan separuh darinya kepada wanita itu.Wanita itu menjadi begitu marah namun dia tetap menahan dirinya dari mememarahi lelaki itu.

Sambil merampas dengan kasar biskut yang separuh itu dan menunjukkan mukanya yang masam mencuka wanita itu berkata dalam hatinya. Berani sungguh lelaki ini. Memang muka tidak malu. Pencuri besar.

Kedua- dua wanita dan lelaki itu terus duduk sehingga panggilan untuk menaiki pesawat untuk wanita itu sampai. Sambil menarik nafas lega seolah baru lepas dari satu kejadian ngeri wanita itu bergerak menaiki pesawatnya.

Apabila dia sampai ditempat duduk nya beliau membuka beg kecilnya untuk mengambil barang. Alangkah terkejutnya dia bila melihat satu bungkusan biskut berada di dalam begnya masih elok belum terbuka.

Jika biskuti ni ada dalam beg aku jadi bermakna biskut yang aku makan tadi... Ya, biskut yang dimakannya tadi adalah kepunyaan lelaki itu. Alangkah malunya dia atas segala tindakannya terhadap lelaki itu. Lelaki itu telah sanggup berkongsi biskut dengannya sehingga biskut yang terakhir biar pun dari awal lagi wanita itu telah menunjukkan reaksi marahnya.

Untuk meminta maaf sudah terlambat namun hatinya penuh kekesalan kerana bersifat kedekut dan tidak mahu berkongsi dengan orang lain. Kini dia menyedari bahawa dialah pencuri biskut yang sebenar.

Moral 1 : Oleh itu...jangan makan biskut masa tunggu bas/keretapi/kapal terbang, makan benda lain.

Moral 2 : Lelaki lebih cool semasa makan biskut berbanding perempuan.

Moral 3 : Jika tidak hendak kongsi biskut dengan orang lain, kongsi lah cerita ini dengan orang lain.

Joke Smoke

I am Peter Stuyvesant
I have two friends, Benson and Hedges
I came from the city of Malrboro,
In the Salem high country
I Always carry a MildSeven
I rode on a White Horse
Going to Kingsway in Kent
It was Lucky Strike I fell in love
With the daughter of Master Duke
Her name Was YSL
We got married by Perillys, the priest
We checked in at the house of Dunhill
And booked into room number 555
I laid her on the bed made of Gold Leaf
I played with her two Matterhorns
When I poked in my Rothmans King Size
She cried in delight, "You are a Rough Rider!!!"
You are riding like a mad Camel
When I asked her if she is satisfied
She answered" I want MORE!!!!"
Then suddenly she turned around and asked me if I want to
enter her Gudang Garam.
She said... depan belakang puas, barulah Sampoerna!!

Court Case

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

Case closed!

Durian lovers - Terrible news.

DO NOT entertain or approach any durian seller whom you do not know at all,

especially pasar malam, an event which they move from one place to another ....

Personally, I had a similar experience at Raju's in Petaling Jaya sometime early this year, 2010.

As we had finished our roti canai at Raju's, a "decent" looking youth came up to me with a

durian with a "window" opened to show a nice and tempting durian flesh inside. Yummy, so I

thought.

He led me to this van half-filled with durians and promptly told his burly buddy that this boss

(that's me) wanted to buy. This fellow just picked a huge durian and proceeded to open it.

Then in quick succession, he had already opened 3 fruits.

I frantically stopped him and said that I actually wanted one only.

The usual concluding statement from him was, "What am I going to do withthese 3

opened durians ?"

I asked how much?

He answered, "RM280.00"!!

I uttered, "That's robbery."

Sensing that I had just been conned and cornered, I said sternly that I am only willing to pay

RM120.00 max for the durians.

To cut the long story short, I settled for RM200.00

__________________________________________________________

Dear all,

My daughter just related this true incident that happened to her friend's mother.

She was eating breakfast at a makan stall in a wet market. A man approached her and

asked if she would like to buy some fresh durians.

Being a durian lover, she said yes. The man then asked her to follow him to his stall nearby.

At his stall, there were lots of durians. The man opened some fruits to show her the freshness

of the durian. She was quite taken aback that he opened quite a few, so she said only wanted

5 durians.

Suddenly, the man asked, "What am I going to do with the opened durians?!"

He insisted that she buy all the opened fruits. At this point, two big men with tattoos

appeared at the stall.

The frightened woman decided not to buy and quickly walked to her car.

But just as she opened the car door, the 'durian seller' came up behind her and

slammed her door shut!

He waved the parang he had used to open the durians and demanded RM400 for

the 5 durians she had wanted to buy.

The lady tried to protest about the price, but the man shouted at her, waving the

parang threateningly close to her head. So, after some 'bargaining' (pleading),

the three men settled on a price of RM 300 for five durians!

This incident happened in Cheras, but a robbery scam can be set up anywhere.

Beware, because they pretend to be legit traders, and durian sellers do carry parangs

in broad daylight, so they have an alibi. If the cops show up, they'd just deny everything.

Times are hard now, and criminals are cooking up creative ways to rob the more vulnerable

ones in surprising ways.

SO, PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCAM. PASS THIS EMAIL AROUND AND WARN

YOUR FRIENDS, ESPECIALLY DURIAN LOVERS. THE MAIN TARGET ARE AUNTIE AND UNCLE.

Mad Jokes

You may think that all mental hospital patients are stupid & crazy
..... read this..

Incidents in Institute of Mental Health Hospital (IMH)

Record I

Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"
Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp and
concise to the point.
But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names
to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back to the
original place?"

Record II

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what
will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what
will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."

Record III

IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and squats
at the entrance to the
IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to
understand her behavior first.
So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted
besides her everyday.
The days go by.....the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single
exchange of word.
After one solid month, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked
the doctor:
"Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV

A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take
a peek.
But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a
letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter,
how would I know??"

Record V

Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them
fell from the tree
and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top:
"Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied:
"No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI

One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken since
the day I was born..."
Doctor: "Wah! That’s very serious...Why do you only come and seek
treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the
truck and took the
flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he
accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the
bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he
told the patient the
whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple
problem...no wonder you are
destined to be a truck driver..."
"Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and
fix it onto this tyre.
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as
that"
The driver was very impressed and asked
"You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"